The Dalek Relaxation Tape

Just because.

Who Watches the Watchers

What Really Happens to Those Cookies

So Far, So Good...

Used Farm Equipment For Sale

Received this via email this evening. I'm posting it because Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz have been complaining that comedians just aren't doing enough with all the material coming from D.C. this cycle.
[UPDATE 8/1 Added a link and corrected Mr. Lovitz's first name spelling.]

YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIGS LIST:

FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 ( WASHINGTON , D.C. )

Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.

I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C

Senior Moments

Been there. Done that. (Well most of that, anyway. I think.)

Time to Look at...

21 Congressional Members resembling Muppets

Go. Look. Laugh.

Parakeet or Stool Pigeon?

Stray parakeet tells Japanese police where he lives

A pet parakeet was returned to its owner Wednesday after the lost bird told police its home address near Tokyo.

Credit goes to the bird and the owner.

The bird's owner, a 64-year-old woman, once lost another parakeet after it flew away and was determined to prevent a repeat, the spokesman told AFP.

"So the owner decided to teach the address to this parakeet after she bought it at a pet shop two years ago," he said.

THE IRISH PRIEST

From an email sent by my pal Bruce up in Massachusetts:

THE IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment...........................................

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Sh*t Birders Say

Word!

Sounds like a plan!

via email from a couple of buddies of mine:

My inconclusive travel plans for 2012

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my boss, work and politicians who affect my life.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I must’ve been sleeping while traveling through. It's an age thing.

Dilbert

Scott Adams is a well known cartoonist who riffs on the workplace. His cartoons are often a hilarious take on the ineptness of middle management and the cubical work place. They are funny because so much of what he targets is true.

It is hard to imagine anything of his would be blocked by his editor but he says that this strip got the no-no.

(Beverage warning. Swallow anything you may have in your mouth before clicking on that link! That is, unless you enjoy snorting it out your nostrils or have a waterproof keyboard/monitor.)

This one, mentioned in the comments to the above, did get published. I guess it's a bit more subtle. ;-)

Dentists

Paul, who is Way Up North, had to visit the dentist yesterday. It went well, he reports.

Apparently it wasn't this guy. Which is good because Paul's not exactly like this guy.

A Silver Lining to Every Cloud,,,

It's an ill wind that blows no one any good...

Mass. zoo's cats benefit from Boston power loss

The Capital Grille donated 2,500 pounds of steak worth $20,000 to the Southwick's Zoo in Mendon after the restaurant lost power on Tuesday and the prime cuts of meat were no longer fit for human consumption even though they were kept in a refrigerated truck.

The zoo's two Bengal tigers, an African lion and a leopard dined like kings on Thursday. And there are enough leftovers to feed the cats for weeks to come.

Burp!

Border Collie Trials

as you've never seen them before:



(h/t to Wyatt at Support your Local Gunfighter)

Today's the Day!

Pitchers and Catchers, baby!

It's on!



This year I'm going to find a way to go to a couple of games. Minor or major league won't matter as long as I can get out to the ball park and watch the action while sipping a beer (or two) and eating some peanuts, popcorn, Crackerjacks and hot dogs.



Spring is when every major league hopeful aims to impress and make the roster. Every year some young phenom shows up and heads north with the team. This causes the casual fan to ask the most important question:

On Getting Older

These thought about getting older came over the email transom today.

On hunting:

Shot my first turkey yesterday,

Scared the HELL out of everyone in the frozen food section…

It was awesome!

Getting old is so much fun....

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life,
Because life is short and a journey to be savored.

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
This just came in over the ole email transom:


The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by Saint Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, Saint Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

Saint Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?


Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?


Third:
What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees Saint Peter,
who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow . . .'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked Saint Peter.

'How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, Saint Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd . . .'

'Hold it,' interrupts Saint Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and
I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind . . . but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated Saint Peter.

'OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

Saint Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'



Lord, Give me a sense of humor.
Give me the ability to appreciate a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks!

This just in!

The LSU football team is stuck in New Orleans.
Someone painted a fifty yard line in front of their bus.

******

West Virginia just scored. Again.

Nerd Season

From Phil's Phun site:

The bartender comes over to the man, sniffs and says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a bigrig, and the smell is just from computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license!"

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.

Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back doors breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load, so, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em!"